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Ever had a situation where you have had to reply in writing to someone on an emotional issue and every time you start to write your anger spills out onto the page?

In today’s world where email is in many cases the main form of communications within and external to organisations, chances are if it hasn’t happened to you already, it is just a matter of time before it does.

If you’re like me your initial reaction is to spend an hour compiling a page and a half response which proves without doubt that you are right and here are the indisputable reasons why. Trouble is you may be right, however at the very least this type of written response may not resolve the issue, it may damage the relationship and if the person is senior to you, get you into hot water!

The desire to prove that your right is natural, however the following analogy helped me realise that by proving that your right, you may also end up being the loser.

A man visits a counsellor with his 16 year old daughter, in an effort to resolve ongoing problems they were experiencing in their relationship. His daughter heavily dressed in gothic outfit, with her nose, lip and eyebrow piercing sat quietly while the father related to the counsellor all the measures he had taken to set her straight and mend their relationship. When he had finished the counsellor replied to the father “there is no doubt that you have done everything right as a father and parent, no doubt at all. But now I ask you this question, do you want to be right……or do you want to mend your relationship with your daughter?”

While I still find it therapeutic to write the letter, the furtherest it ever makes it these days is my drafts folder.

Here are a few tips which you might find helpful:

Write the response stating all the facts and really telling the other person why you are right and where they are wrong, and then save it to your drafts folder. Good, there’s the therapy part out of the way.

Now with pen and paper handy ask yourself these questions?
What do I want to say to this person on this matter? In particular what outcomes do I want my letter to achieve? (Resolve the issue, set the record straight, outright disagreement, cease contact). On a softer tone, you may simply want to set the record straight without damaging the relationship.

Once you have identified what you want to say and your desired outcomes, write the response, save it and sit on it for few hours. Don't go into too much detail, stating facts of when, who said what etc again may prove your right but will definitely get the other person's back up. One trick is to start with an opening sentence like:

"Thank you for your letter/email, I was surprised to read that your understanding of the situation is different to mine. My understanding of the situation is.................and this is based upon.................(our conversations, correspondence, written agreement..........or whatever guided you in your understanding of the situation.

If the aim is to maintain the relationship, finish with a polite salutation such as 'yours sincerely' or 'best regards' etc).

Review it and if it is a really emotional issue, have someone you trust review it for you. Be ready to accept their suggestions, remember they don't have the emotional baggage clouding their judgement which you may have.

Now send the response, if the other person values the relationship as much as you, hopefully they will interpret your response as an effort to resolve the issue and not an attack on them and respond in like.

At the very least, you will feel satisfied that you didn’t fly off the handle rather you took on the issue and not the individual.

My sincere thanks to Brad for his wise guidance recently.

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